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275 posts found.
Just me again
I love travelling by train, and last week when I headed up to Hamilton to meet my mates mum, my love was reinforced. As soon as I walked onto the platform at Glasgow central low level trains, I was greeted by a child’s voice shouting “fucksake” really loudly. I spotted a...
Today I realised that I had written my 1,000 online blog. It all started in 2004 when I wrote a blog to help me get over writers block when I was writing my autobiography. It turns out I loved the blog and can’t quite let it go. It is syndicated to over 170 sites across the World Wide Web, it...
Firstly I cannot escape Cheryl Cole’s new single…everywhere in Belfast was battering it out on radio etc…making me insane, though it does sound better after it has been electronically voice tuned - she was shit singing that live. I didn’t recognise the damn song from her military dance...
Leeds was sunny and I love autumn, isn’t that something? The drive through Ilkley and Skipton and all across that area with the trees and foliage turning bright gold to vivacious red was awesome. That’s officially me getting old, I am a leaf peeper! But I have to say the Midlands countryside...
Luton has no place for me; I know this because its transport system basically shouted it at me. “Battersea, I don’t think so love?” Luton guffawed and left me standing trying to work out the myriad of buses and trains that get you to fuck out of its small town. Luton is the kind of...
I was on the tube in Glasgow (yes we have a tube system, its two wee trains that go round in circles, called the clockwork orange, don’t ask) anyway I stepped onto the train and there was a young teenage boy with an older woman hugging him. She was running her hands through his sticky up blonde...
My daughter Ashley is better; her swine-flu has finally left her body. I didn’t enjoy her swine-flu period, there were no surrealist paintings or amazing art work- it just made her grumpy, whiney and her hair grew five inches in depth as well as length during her bedroom internment. She looked...
I am spitting nails about Roman Polanski and the cock sucking Hollywood deadbeats who are calling for this child rapist to be released. He raped a 13 year old girl and then hired a fleet of expensive lawyers to keep up with the extradition laws of the all the countries he could visit as he fled...
Ashley has been really ill; we didn’t know what to do other than kill her quickly with a firm pillow pressed against her sick face, but husband offered another option, how about we take her to hospital? I am the kind of person who if I cant fix it- I will kill it. I am sorry I sound cruel but I...
without actually harming someone. Life is odd at the...
M&S charge you for a plastic bag to carry your food home, yet they don’t charge you for a plastic bag to carry your clothes home after purchase. They also don’t charge you for all the plastic that they wrap around the food unnecessarily either, I wish they would make up their...
I am living on apples; they stop me from smoking and give me something to do with hands. I am back from the brink, no more fags…yet again. So last week I had some very interesting meetings and am very happy with the outcomes of them. Tide is turning in my direction for a wee change!...
time to heal a bit. Life is ok at the moment;...
“Janey, my lungs are killing me, my HIV is playing up, and my cancer might be back and am worried about swine flu” my brother called to tell me, then added “Am thinking of buying bagpipes” “Jim, you have 3 guitars, two tambourines and possibly a cello and you can’t play any of...
The gigs are all going well, we are near the end of the run, I got Three Five Star reviews, two three stars and one two star, now that’s a show! I have to admit that this show is my favourite one in ages and the most successful as far as future work off the back of it. After my...
ever foreseen that! Life is good; I have stopped...
had expelled some of my brains. Life is ok, I feel better,...
2009. Hope you like it! Life at the fringe is... ... to hell for giggling. Life is mental in Edinburgh,
Edinburgh loves its rain and it likes to mix it with wind. The weather has been a bit iffy but we are storming through it. I am past half way through the fringe and I have only had one review. It was a five star review but one nonetheless. PR companies are good at getting reviews in for...
I have been very sleepy lately. This always happens when I am at a festival, I get knackered, and I eat too much or too little and then hunker down in the duvet and snore away my life. Only getting up to perform or go to press things and then slotting my life into units where I can squeeze some...
language as men onstage! Life is strange at times....
I am up to my eyes in doing last minute stuff, Ashley is home and that’s great. Dad is basically breaking things in his house and needs me to go up and look at the broken things he has broke, which is always fun. It really is cool getting to spend time with him though, he has stopped swearing...
I have paid the cash, booked the flat, got the posters made, seen my mug in the brochure and have a cracking show ready to blurt out onstage. What more do I need? Oh, yes, to move to Edinburgh for a month. Husband is not going; he is staying in the flat in Glasgow as he is eternally bored of...
There is always one cunt in the room, and last night Mr Cunt was from a large group of workers from HML in Glasgow. He displayed all the characteristics of an angry rapist shouting stuff out like “Shut up you’re just a women” and ended up being disowned by his own company and thrown out...
fun in my own city. Life is quiet before the stor
My husband noticed that BT Vision weren’t sending bills as he went through the accounts and decided to call them. He didn’t mind he had to pay them when they found out we weren’t being charged as he reckoned two things – 1) They would soon notice and we would get hit by a huge bill and -...
Had such a fun time back in London for two nights doing comedy at Watford, which also gave me time to catch up with my daughter Ashley who is living in London for three weeks. She is working and writing and keeping busy. Ashley is living with a lovely woman called Sue; she owns an...
Dear Blog it’s been ages since my last confession, so here goes. I had a big fight with a Christian in Nottingham. To be fair he was carrying sweets in a basket and walking nicely in tan leather shoes and offering sweets to strangers in the town square. But when he gave me a...
So, back in Glasgow after my London sojourns life got back to normal. I have had so much to do like getting the posters and flyers done for Edinburgh, getting the accommodation for the festival (£3,000 for a month people!) getting bills paid, being organised for the festival and dealing...
So London has been such a fucking pain this time. You see here is the truth, I was sick on arrival; I flew into Heathrow last week feeling hot and yucky. I secretly thought I had swine flu; mentally I was plotting my funeral. So, then I just got ready for the gigs and getting myself into...
I got an email from my past. A woman I knew called Maria when I was 14 years old got in contact. We knew each other through a friend of mine, but we didn’t attend the same school as she was a Catholic and because I am bereft of a religion so therefore assumed as a protestant (this is...
The flight down from Glasgow was ok, I was rather annoyed as I got a BA American Express credit card and on the phone the Amex people reassured me TWICE that this British Airways Amex gets you access to their executive lounges and I asked my mate who works at BA when I got the airport and...
So things have happened. Ashley got her exam results, she got an ‘A’ and 3 ‘B’s for her Honours and we are well chuffed, am so very proud of her. She on the other hand has begged me to stop bragging about her, I almost vomited onto her new dress with shock! Brag? Me? Of course I...
There are about 15 kids who run around outside my back court who do fuck all but constantly scream like Ian Huntly is on their wee heels every single minute of the day. There is a wee boy who lives through the wall and the screamy kids yell up at his window for hours, his name is...
I went to meet my dad in town. As soon as he saw me he said “Do you need a pee before we set off?” in front of all his old mates. “No dad, I am fully toilet trained thanks” I hissed.When we got on the bus, I sat beside him in the old people’s seats. Then an old lady got on and I...
died days after I got home. Life is moving on, my...
After falling asleep at the unbelievably early hour of 8pm last night (jetlag rules) I awoke at 7am this morning, I now have the sleeping pattern of a toddler. Though I didn’t wake up pissing the bed or screaming for toast and jam (like most toddlers) I just stumbled about staring at the...
I went over to see my niece Ann Margaret and her kids. I had just missed Shawn and Abi, as they were at school but got to spend time with wee Julia. We took her out to the local cafe and we sat outside in the early morning sunshine. Julia tottered about; she is so cute and is two and...
If world travel opens the soul then jet lag is a punch in the vagina (repeatedly). My brain will not get itself into gear. The flight from Auckland to Hong Kong wasn’t too bad, I had a front seat with leg room and I did sleep a bit. The flight from Hong Kong to London was cool as I got...
I am not really great at parties but last night was lovely – it was the end of the New Zealand Comedy festival and I was exhausted. One comic got so bladdered he had to be physically carried to his hotel room, I twisted my ankle dancing, and that’s how hard core I am! I was fine; I...
Cannot believe how slack I am with the blog, am such a lazy bugger. The past few nights have been great, show selling so well and audiences to die for. I love NZ. Just loving my self contained suite at The Sky City Grand hotel...I mean that bed....whoa...it’s SO comfortable, I don’t...
Been missing in action lately am afraid, been busy and wild in NZ. Here is the thing...I am not a big drinker, two gins and am pissed, sick and crying for my dead mammy. People know this. Yet the past week, I have actually drunk more than possibly in my entire life time. Not that I did...
I am loving the Classic comedy venue in Auckland. Last night was my second night and the audience were just great, explaining King William of Orange to complete strangers is the funniest fucking thing alive. It makes me realise how ridiculous The Orange Walk and crazy Glasgow Protestants...
Yesterday was hectic. I had finished my run at Wellington on the Saturday night and we had a small party type end of season get together. Jason John Whitehead got a wee bit drunk and we ended up having a pinching fight on the sofa during Jason Cook’s Asylum gig, I won but JJ did manage...
I have loved being here in Wellington though it rained nonstop for days on end which meant I stayed in my room until show time. I really hate that I never got to go around Wellington and doing stuff, I never ate down at the water front, I never went up the cable car, all the things I have...
My opening night at Wellington was just bloody great! A huge turnout and a wonderful audience – Ziggy and the guys at San Francisco Bath House are just the best ever!They really know how to run a comedy gig and we comics appreciate that.I am glad my first night went good, it really tired...
Woke up in Auckland, the sun streaming through the heavy curtains and yet another morning on the other end of the world. I love Skype, my wee daddy has been shown how to use it, but what he hasn’t really grasped is the time difference. His conversations are amazing, I do love hearing...
I had great fun doing a TV interview for Sunrise TV3 New Zealand. They basically put me in the BEST spa in Auckland and sent a camera crew and presenter to conduct the interview during the treatments. All at 7am! The East Day Spa is by far the best spa I have ever seen in my life! The girls...
looked at me- and let me through. Life is good. So it is d
The Inn at Venice Beach has been intriguing indeed. The staff were always helpful...until today. I had to check out at midday and my cab to the airport isn’t until 7pm tonight, so I had a walk on the beach and bumble about in the sand. I came back to the hotel and asked the new...
Well I am finally in Los Angeles, the flight was fine, in fact it was good as I got to have 3 seats to myself which fits my wee fat body perfectly. I am staying at The Inn on Venice Beach which technically isn’t in Venice beach but it’s not far from it and it is pretty nice. The downside...
A great title I know but it’s not erotic. I forgot to tell you all this when I was in London. I was pondering a new bra at a shop in Kensington that caters for women with breasts the size of small inflatable dinghies, and I spotted a good bra. I picked it up and went into try it on. Just as I...
I had a late night Saturday. My mate Elaine and I headed off to Oxford Jongleurs, it threatened to be evil. There were nasty stags all congregating and being cuntish. I quickly got them ready for the first act, I was the fastest, microphone mistress in the world. Susan Murray went on...
Susan Boyle from Scotland has become a sensation on the web and in the media. She was the rather chubby, dowdily dressed woman who walked on stage at Britain’s Got Talent on TV last week. The audience were shown on TV looking horrified and appeared to be mocking and giggling at Susan...
I am chuffed to say I personally know Bernie Katz. He has just written an awesome book called Soho Society, which has a lovely foreword from Stephen Fry. Soho is an altogether fascinating place for me, I wandered around it when I arrived in London 16 years ago, I loved every coffee bar,...
The credit crunch must be biting hard, as my friend is no longer buying expensive cuts of meat for her dog. Sharkey was used to venison, which confused me, as I don’t think dogs can naturally bring down a deer in the wild, can they? Sharkey is now on cheap can food and...
I love the underground tube in London. The way those people squash their unclean bodies up against you, the way they ignore old people standing and crush their bags instead onto a much needed seat…I love London! I end up just shouting at people and telling them to move out the way or move...
London has unusual folk in it; I was in Sainsbury’s on Cromwell rd and saw a wee man who had a giant growth hanging off his neck. It was bigger than his actual head and rested on his shoulder. I was gobsmacked and horrified that I looked at this giant ball thing. But I couldn’t stop...
When I left Glasgow last week, Ashley begged me to get her something nice for her birthday on April 19th, I mostly always give her cash, as she hates me buying her SHOESMAKE UPHANDBAGSJEWELLERYELECTRICAL GOODSCLOTHESFURNITURE & ART So, I am stuck knowing what to get her? She is too...
what life was like. Life just happened but I knew...
Have you ever met a woman, stared at her and thought “Surely you know that the make up you have slapped on your face is crazy looking?” I had one of those moments last month, I went up to the check-in desk at Heathrow airport and as I held my passport over -the girl smiled at me and...
I am exhausted with the pain of lungs, the antibiotics are evil and I refuse to use the inhaler, lest I look like a caravan dwelling asthma-chav. I am actually over smoking, it no longer occupies my brain, I am so worried about my chest infection, and I couldn’t give a flying fuck about...
Ashley built two huge cupboards with her own fair hands from IKEA and her room looks great. Finally she has somewhere to store her knickers, tops and stuff…she is a happy girl. I on the other hand am dying slowly from lung collapsing disease or something like that. Thank Fuck I stopped...
Sunday was Mothers Day but as both the women who were my mothers are dead (birth mum and lately lovely step mum) I don’t really like this day much. Ashley hugged me but I saw she had a screw driver in her hand behind her back. She must be getting ready to do some DIY. I woke up with a...
It has been 24 hours since I smoked a ciggie and the highs are- waking up without the sound of baby kittens meowing in my chest and the down was –dreaming of being raped by a Rottweiler. I have crazy dreams when I stop smoking, I know it’s just a symptom of it all but really…a...
I woke up early this morning, not voluntarily, but due to my daughter banging about at 8am, turning on every light in the flat, opening and shutting every door and blasting the hairdryer as she sang full pelt along with her IPod. Hall and Oates are not that attractive at 8am, I do love them...
My daughter Ashley loves to play this game and it can go on for hours...she asks you questions like this"would you rather be burnt from the waist down or the waist up to your head?" Then if you shut her up by saying 'waist down' she then argues that "You wont have any vagina" then this goes on for...
My husband knows when I am busy, he sees me procrastinating (or smoking heavily), picking my nails or chewing the ends of my hair (self abuse never leaves you, don’t listen to the therapists) so, my husband sees me do all of these things at once and that’s when he decides to ask me “Did you...
about stirring pasta. Life goes o
First up my Scotsman column ended last week due to the recession and a shake up at the paper, they lost a few staff in the past three weeks and have a new editor and a staff writer is taking over my column for the foreseeable future. I wish he/she all the best of luck, it’s was a lovely job...
My poor daughter ran to answer her mobile phone, the other night. She cracked her baby toe off the dining chair, then hopped, skipped and jumped along the living room, then went down into a forward roll moaning loudly. It made me laugh so much I almost peed the couch. I heard the toe crack from...
What makes men love soldering, (not soldiering –that’s rather mental, I don’t get that) I mean getting a soldering iron, flux and some soldering wire and welding things together. My wee dad LOVES soldering, he solders things that clearly don’t need soldering, like squirrels to the washing...
What do you do when your 13 year old child has a baby? Do you call the police? The social services? Or do you get Max Clifford on speed dial and secure a video diary exclusive with the Sun newspaper? What do you do when the said child has a squad of boys claiming to have bedded her under...
think I am gorgeous. Life is getting back to some... ... will just break men. Life has been rather dull...
After last week’s debacle trying to get trains to Inverness and then trying to get home, I finally made it my step mum Mamie’s bedside in hospital. She was so weak and sickly from various illness and predominantly lymphoma cancer. Mamie was 78 when she passed away on Wednesday morning at...
On Friday I arrived in Pitlochry, I was rather exhausted and tired. I decided to pick the first hotel I spotted to get a room. So there was Fishers Hotel, completely clad in scaffolding, but hey fuck it! It’s just for one night. As soon as I got into the rather cold room, I sat down and...
“Ma, can I get a Bay City Roller Jumper, they are selling them at the Co-op for £1.99?” I shouted through the toilet door to my mammy. My dog Major was at my feet begging to be taken out for a pee, his toe nails were scratching and clicking on the cold lino. Maybe he heard my Ma peeing and...
I have recently toyed with the idea of getting my gigantic breasts reduced. You see, I can never really get decent clothes to fit, everything needs to be baggy on top (size 20) and a size 14 on bottom. It means dresses hang over my body but are fitted around the boob area, I am not skinny by any...
My trip to LA wasn’t all glamour and gloss as I took a trip to Venice Beach down on the coast. If you took the gritty maverick side of London’s Soho, a smidgeon of Amsterdam’s coffee houses and soupcon of Camden Market, whisked them altogether with some high jinkery, medicinal marijuana and...
My trip to LA wasn’t all glamour and gloss as I took a trip to Venice Beach down on the coast. If you took the gritty maverick side of London’s Soho, a smidgeon of Amsterdam’s coffee houses and soupcon of Camden Market, whisked them altogether with some high jinkery, medicinal marijuana and...
My trip to Los Angeles was amazing. I was staying up in Studio city which is in West Hollywood and pretty much separated from the main downtown area by a valley. Though I did love Studio City it was a bit suburban for me and taxi cabs were about $70 a trip into the main city area, so public...
Yes I did! Here’s what happened…I think I explained in my last blog that I went walking looking for a bus service that doesn’t actually exist. Well anyway on Sunday after staggering about in the 86 degree heat on roads where the only other people I met were wandering homeless poor...
Well the flight from UK was pretty wonderful. I got upgraded and managed to see John Cleese, Tom Wilkinson and the lovely comedy pal Steve Furst go past me into First class on the BA flight. My seats were not first class, but certainly good enough and I slept the whole journey! Before I...
Well the flight from UK was pretty wonderful. I got upgraded and managed to see John Cleese, Tom Wilkinson and the lovely comedy pal Steve Furst go past me into First class on the BA flight. My seats were not first class, but certainly good enough and I slept the whole journey! Before I...
How daft was I to go up Byres Rd and get the banking done two days before the New Year? I also thought shopping for food was a good idea but then I am clearly fucked in the head, because the Byres Rd was full of hippy dippy students with posh voices hugging each other wearing fifteen layers of...
So the tit pain turned out to be Mastitis, which is a Latin word for ‘brick smashed into breast’ I believe. The pain has been incredible, yet I had to work for weeks on end throughout December whilst clutching my boob in pain offstage and out of the vision of punters. I managed to get a...
Sorry my blog is late, we had internet issues- bit I saved up a diary and here it is below, the dates all apply. I am back home in Glasgow and am almost finished my Christmas gigs. December 10th… I am in Leicester doing my first week run of Christmas gigs at Jongleurs. First of all I...
I went into town this morning to get my hair done. It was wonderful, and my colour is amazing as my mate Katie does it, though the very young children who work there scare me endlessly. I swear to God they are all about 6 years old brandishing hair dryers and sharp pointy scissors. That can’t be...
It came to my attention recently that I was being too hard on a rowdy audience. I took a step back and had a rethink, I have never been over the top horrible to anyone in a comedy crowd - I have never walked out and said "You cunt shut up" with total malice and contempt in my voice-having said...
It came to my attention recently that I was being too hard on a rowdy audience. I took a step back and had a rethink, I have never been over the top horrible to anyone in a comedy crowd - I have never walked out and said "You cunt shut up" with total malice and contempt in my voice-having said...
My Facebook profile photo is the wee snap of me and the sexy George Clooney. You can go check it if you so desire, just type my name into Facebook search and you will clock me and the delicious man himself. Now, loads of people have contacted me by email and asked me about the star...
It used to be the strongest people in the town that defended a castle, men who poured hot oil over the stone walls or shot you with a fast arrow, not in Cardiff. Their castle has a skinny job-seeker-trainee in acrylic who merely stepped aside when I walked past without paying £8 to see...
I arrived at the airport and got a cab to get into town; the cab driver was lovely and remembered me from my last visit. Then he proceeded to use his mobile phone with one hand and drive with the other, surely if he recalled me he would know I was a cranky confrontational bitch! “Mate,...
get away from it all. Life is nice today; it could...
Two weeks ago a terminally ill girl won the right to refuse treatment after a hospital ended its bid to force her to have a heart transplant. Hannah has a hole in her heart and copes with various symptoms from previous childhood illnesses. Hannah is aged 13 and had decided she wanted to...
There is nothing I hate more than restaurant staff that ignore you and sit chatting SHIT for ages. I took my daughter out for dinner and we sat there starving. “Well, it’s not a secret anymore” the annoying blonde waitress giggled. “I knew you kissed him” squealed the red haired...
Things worry me for no reason. Like the other day as I sat in a café in Barcelona, I was happily listening to my IPod and enjoying my music when I suddenly had an irrational fear that my dad might die soon. My chest went tight and I almost cried! What is wrong with me? My dad is in his mid-70s...
I was in Southampton on Saturday night doing my comedy thing, it was freezing and nice. I got up this morning (Sunday) and my mate John had organised to drive me to Gatwick to catch the flight to Barcelona coz he is awesome and a good mate. We got in the car at 7am (I hate mornings) and...
It was freezing cold in Glasgow. I put on a hoodie, pulled on a coat, dragged on a hat. It was one of those woolly ones that goes over your ears and has a toggle on top; it is blue with some Icelandic designs knitted in it and has two plaited ropes that tie under your chin. Basically it looks cool...
If you are allergic to prawns, never eat them, is all I am saying. Because I decided my seafood allergy was a one-off and chomped down prawns last Saturday night in Camden. To give you a broader picture and back story to the prawn situation, in 2005 at the Edinburgh Fringe I ate sushi and ended up...
seemed to be smiling! Life is strange through a...
It is all just slipping away from me, I sleep, wake up, read emails, pay bills, make phone calls, organise flights, sort out gigs, arrange accommodation, wash towels, fold clothes, I wipe down walls and scrub toilets, find Ashley’s tights for her, visit relatives, eat tomatoes, defrost pasta,...
my blog, I know and I am sorry Life catches up with me at...
why am I so fucked up? Life goes on – kids dance
There was an article on the news about some looney Spaniards that chase an angry bull and yes…you guessed it- the wee bull stamped on someone and badly injured them. Well, here’s the deal folks, keep back from angry agitated animals. My favourite all time animals biting back had to be...
September 11th was a really bad day; husband and I had a monumental fight. I left home in flip flops and it rained. To make matters worse Ashley got involved and screamed at us both (quite rightly). I stalked the streets of Glasgow (well, I flip and flopped the streets to be correct) and muttered...
Ashley got soaked in yet another down pour that represents Glasgow’s wonderful late summer weather. She came home completely soaked and stomping about cursing the rain. She accused me of neglect for not birthing her in Florida or some other garden state where the sun shines...
My great Niece Baby Julia is slightly eerie at times. She is almost two years old and very different to the other kids in her family. Shaun and Abi are brown haired and brown eyes, whereas wee Julia is pure white blonde with huge blue staring eyes. Shaun and Abi were really funny chatters and very...
“You are a really good on stage, I loved you as an MC, maybe one day you could even do comedy” the blonde girl in the silver top shouted at me as the disco banged out its cheesy tunes in Leeds Jongleurs Comedy Club. That is the best compliment I could ever receive as comedy club...
There has been an explosion of ideas and technology the past ten years. These have mostly come from the creative kids who grew up in the 1960s and 70s. Decades where these kids grew up without electronic games, DVDs, multi channels on the TV and no one knew anything about mobile...
I wrote this last night when I couldn’t sleep… It really is the middle of the night here in Edinburgh. I am staring out of the big ceiling to floor windows into the dark night sky and all I can hear are gulls screeching their odd hollow laughter at me. It’s like the echo of the...
I haven’t blogged in at least a week and I am so very sorry. I am still at the Edinburgh Fringe and the rain hasn’t stopped yet, so I am pissed off with it all. It really has made the Fringe really hard, the audiences have been coming in dripping wet, and I feel so sorry for them. Though they...Be Humbled and Live
Stop. Imagine. Visualize. Suddenly and without warning, your children have all appeared to have died simultaneously, suddenly and without cause. The same has happened with every parent you know. Their children are gone as well. Many of the adults you knew as family, friends or acquaintances...
Last night I won the Nivea Funny Women Award, I got loads of lovely skin care products and a thousand quid! The award show was running late and I just managed to mutter some of my speech, I knew I had to run off to a late night gig at the Gilded Balloon, so my daughter Ashley did most of the...
I have been here now for two weeks and had ONE review! Granted it was a great FOUR star stonking review, but I am annoyed that’s all I am getting so far. The show is selling out well at weekends and that’s really cool with me. Mid-week the numbers are a slightly lower as not as many people are...
At the Edinburgh Fringe, you do nothing but run about organising tickets, Flyering teams and making sure the box office hasn’t screwed up the tickets YET AGAIN! My show is at Pleasance Dome at 7pm every night and it’s going great. I have had a wonderful 4 star review and the other reviews...
I am officially dead, well not really or I wouldn’t be writing this blog. But I have been touring right up till the day I arrived at the Edinburgh Fringe. I am exhausted and happy and clearly not dead. My show is at Pleasance Dome at 7pm every night, and people keep bringing kids to the...
Ashley and I were watching a wedding in a movie tonight and she asked me about her dad and mine’s wedding preparations. So I told her. It was the summer of 1980 when we decided to get married, we settled on a date in late September. We had already been living together, I had turned 19...
Friday morning was hell. I woke up to get ready for a photo shoot in Glasgow’s East End (Shettleston actually, my home town) as I had written an article for the Sunday Herald on the forth coming by-election. Whilst washing my hair, I heard Ashley being very sick. I hate it when my child is sick,...
Writing a weekly column for a famous Scottish newspaper has its ups and downs. My column gets printed on a Monday and the deadline is Friday afternoon. I love to see my photo and all my words printed in The Scotsman and the novelty of reading it aloud in the living room is slowly wearing thin on...
I went to a small experimental theatre show in Los Angeles many years ago where young students were putting on their ‘work’. There comes a point in everyone’s life where they sit in a studio, theatre or gallery and stare at something that the middle class cognoscenti deem art and you...
I saw a programme today about a young woman who pulls out her hair bit by bit; it is a form of self harm and she has permanently damaged her scalp. It made me shudder to watch because I was a hair puller as a child. I used to lie in bed, pick out a section of my hair, tie in a knot at the end and...
The year was 1981. It was a sunny bright day and Lady Diana Spencer was marrying Prince Charles. My wee dirty old pub was pretty empty, there were not that many Royalists in the Calton in Glasgow so I had the telly switched on and watched the news coverage of the Royal Wedding. I am a...
Sometimes when I lay in bed at night my mind flickers back to old memories and I replay them like worn out over-edited home movies. In my brain I think there is a big Rolodex that I click through and occasionally stop and stare at an image, depending on my mood, I may look further, or just click...
I am home and safe. Ashley is slightly burnt, my poor wee girl! She managed on the first day of the holiday to fall over, tits over hair and skint her two knees, then she got her shoulders burnt despite wearing factor 50, and then she had a migraine. It was fun though. We spent hours sitting on...
I am so very hot and sticky, but of course I am in Lanzarote. I never knew heat like this, it is relentless and burning every pore in my body. Thank God for the beautiful cool blue swimming pools here in our hotel. I simply wake up, pull on a cozzie, walk down for a chilled orange juice and then...
I am in Lanzarote. Due to a somewhat worrying medical situation, I missed going to Glastonbury. Ashley and I have come to Lanzarote instead. It was a surprise gift from husband. He knew I would have time off after my minor surgery and decided to treat me. So he sent Ashley and me on a last minute...
I have been increasingly worried lately about my lovely wee step mum who hasn’t been well. Then I had a medical thing of my own which meant I had to cancel my appearance at The Glastonbury Comedy Tent, so life sucks a bit. I am just back from Nottingham, I was MC at Jongleurs and I...
Unfaithful marriages are what keep gossip columns alive; it needs stupid people to read about it and feeds like barracuda’s on every detail of some unfortunate couple’s life to survive. The most recent and enduring story is of footballer Ashley Cole and Cheryl Tweedy of Girls Aloud fame. This...
I have been burnt, exhausted and scorched by the hot sun in London and thank God, it’s beginning to get cooler! Husband and I are still in here in Westminster. The gigs are going great, life is good. I miss my daughter like a piece of me has been cut off. I woke up this morning and...
Sorry the blog has been late, I am a lazy person. I am in London for a few weeks work and it is amazing. I am staying at Westminster in the lush Crown Lawn flats again; I am not used to such luxury! Just lying in bed hearing Big Ben strike is awesome. The weather here has been...
We go to London this Sunday as I am gigging down south for a few weeks and getting to meet up with my mate Monica. I can’t wait to see her new flat in Battersea. I really need a campervan for Glastonbury this year, where I am performing at the cabaret tent. I am leaving on June 25th...
My old mate Hugh has a quirky way of looking at life. He is 84 years old and makes me giggle, last week he came to meet me for coffee. The shops in my area are all upmarket kitchen/flooring/bathroom specialists. There is a new shop just opened and Hugh had a peep in the big windows to...
Never ask ‘What are you thinking?” in case your man does in fact start to tell you. Most men have nothing in their head and just make stuff up like invading Daleks, stories about evil marmosets, sea monkeys and Premier league football. Husband and I had a night out at a lovely five...Are you one with Goodness?
Inspirational Thought Life, as it is...
My daughter mocks my musical tastes regularly “Mum Dean Friedman’s songs are bizarre how on earth can you listen to that tosh?” she giggled as I belted out my favourite chorus “Did you see Lisa? Yes, I saw Lisa” from the song “Lucky Stars” from 1978. She let me listen to her...
Who knew I would get to this age and question everything? I no longer know who I am supposed to be. A mother, a wife a person? I don’t really know the answer anymore. Every time I go away for a period of time I come back to a changed household. Ashley has trouble asserting her role; I...
being a barmaid to consider it. Life finally threw me a...
I have been on more aeroplanes than an American President; well that’s what it feels like. The good news is my long haul flight home from NZ was great. On both long flights (NZ to Hong Kong and then onto London) I got three seats to myself, which is perfect for my wee body to get a lie down....
Here in my hotel room in Auckland I am packing up the last of my luggage and stuff to catch the late flight to Hong Kong. Soon I will be flying across the world and home to my family. I can’t wait to see them. Equally I can’t wait to come back to New Zealand, what a place it is! This...
The comedy show here in Auckland has sold out the entire season, so we have added another show. On Saturday 10th May there is an extra show added at The Classic Basement at 5.30pm. These tickets are also selling well, so am excited! This morning I got woke up early in the hotel as the...
This is my last week in Auckland and I am on the home straight, about five more days to go! I have had such a fab time here and I do love NZ more than I can say, though a break from the torrential rain would be nice. I managed to get a really good quality webcam on my laptop and have been...
I know I am 47 years old, but I never knew how everyone else in the world would feel about that and guess what? I am officially very old. I think I am the oldest performer at this Comedy Festival in NZ. All the young comics are so lovely but some of them do treat me as an elderly woman...
Last week I flew to New Zealand via Hong Kong and am on tour till mid May at the New Zealand International Comedy Festival. Packing suitcases has become my speciality. The women’s magazines tell you how to take a ‘capsule wardrobe’ where a few items can make seventeen outfits! A...
Well I am sorry I took so long to blog. I have been rather busy. My show opened three nights ago and it’s all great. I have had three wonderful reviews and that’s just perfect. The weather is horrendous; it’s really muggy and damp and keeps raining buckets. I have been soaked twice....
I am so happy, my show in Wellington sold out every night and the reviews were just awesome. I love this place. I did a Good Morning TV appearance as well and some radio and that was fun. The people here in NZ are just so welcoming and supportive. Every night the people came to The San...
I was so jetlagged and tired but my opening night in Wellington went awesome. I recall vaguely standing onstage and my legs hurting with the need to collapse, but I know it all went good. The show sold out and the people were so lovely they gave me loads of energy back. It was brilliant; I love...
I have arrived in New Zealand and all is good so far…I may fall asleep and miss my first night, who knows? On the flight from London to Hong Kong Air New Zealand was quiet and I got four seats to myself and the on the flight from HK to Auckland I got three seats to myself, so I slept a lot. I...
I was invited to open a new shop unit in Shettleston, the place I grew up in Glasgow. It is Kangaroo Self Storage Units. Shettleston is being slowly regenerated and it was amazing to see my old home town again. I don’t go back as often as I like. Too many bad and sad memories, but being there...
The smell of my own bed welcomes me. It isn’t a bad smell, but a me smell. There are fragrances of washing powder and nightmare sweats, but they are mine. At night I snuggle under the soft cotton duvet and flatten my face against my own pillow. I can smell my hair shampoo on the pillowcase and...
dealing and he makes the dinner. Life is strange, if you...
I flew into Munich on Monday afternoon to do the English Comedy Club gig. Terminal 5 was fine, I was expecting a fist fight but…all quiet on the terminal front. Mind you I did not put any luggage onto the hold. I carried a small bag over my shoulder. Munich looks nice, though I saw...
My run at the Soho Theatre was awesome. The three nights sold out and I had great shows. I love that theatre –so thanks for all who turned up to see me. I loved that you did. My best mate Monica came to see my show and it was so funny to see her sitting there in the audience. She told...
I am flying out to New Zealand to do shows for the comedy festival over there, on April 20th. Here is the performance dates- April 22nd-26th Wellington San Francisco Bathhouse April 29th- May 10th Classic Basement Theatre Auckland The flight is extremely long and how I...
I flew home from Southampton today. I spent the weekend there working at Jongleurs Comedy club and am knackered. On Saturday morning I got up early and got the train to Central London to take part in the Danny Wallace radio show, where I was chatting about my forth coming one woman comedy show at...
Everyone knows that China’s human rights record is disgusting. We in the West are well aware of their iron grip on the information that is fed to its own people. The Dalia Lama is demonised and vilified by the Chinese government and just watching the horrific attacks on TV on the Buddhist Monks...
“Can you tell me why you love me?” I asked husband. We were lying together on the sofa. He put his big hand on my forehead and pushed me away to look at me “Why?” he asked. “I read an article about men who wrote some stuff about what makes their wives loving” I...
write in this blog. Life is mental in my home....
It was an awesome night. A complete sell out show, around 1,450 people crammed into the Theatre Royal in Glasgow. I was the opening support act and I loved every minute of it. Jerry Sadowitz is my comedy hero; we have known each other for over 25 years now. Jerry did his first comedy gig...
Glasgow Airport is where I spend most of my time these days. I am either off on a flight or coming home. Last night I arrived from London and the police had decided that people who were driving in to pick up people in their newly appointed waste land of a pick up point were to not stop longer than...
I used to have a cat called Whisky. He was huge and fat and ginger and liked to sit on me the minute I sat down. The house was quite big but if I opened a newspaper and got engrossed Whisky would ignore the empty spaces and choose to sit right there on the bit of paper I was reading, and then...
Nottingham has been tiring but fine. I never slept much as four big baldy headed stag party men decided to have a homo- erotic type fight at 4am this morning in the room next to mine in the hotel. Maybe they discovered they were all gay and wanted to give the room a vigorous make over? Maybe one...
I attended a special charity dinner for Epilepsy Scotland. They have an interesting event where five speakers get up and do ten minutes of funny chatting to compete for ‘WAG of The Year’ Wag meaning ‘chatty story teller’. Now I never bothered to read any of the emails to check...
“Ladies, are you all having fun?” the curvy blonde hostess squealed with excitement over the microphone. I looked around and watched a whole room of predominately blonde women throw their skinny brown arms in the air and whoop. I was at a charity luncheon organised by influential...
The opening night of the Glasgow Comedy Festival was awesome. My one woman show was heaving with people and it was heartening to see so many comedy fans turn up for the show. John Smeaton (The Glasgow airport hero) introduced me onstage and it was a lovely reception. I also got to meet...
I had such a great time being the compere at Glasgow Jongleurs over the past weekend. The acts had a good time and the audiences loved the shows. But last night (Saturday) as I stood on stage I noticed a wee red light in the back of the room shining every time I was onstage and I realised I was...
The year was 1978. I was standing in the blazing sunshine on a beach in Redcar, in Yorkshire. Wearing a woolly jumper wasn’t a good thing, but I didn’t own a tee shirt or any semblance of summer wear. Redcar was the place I ran to when I left my home in Glasgow; I was 17 years old...
I had such a great time at this year’s BAFTA film awards on Sunday in London. I was already in London gigging at comedy, so by the time Sunday came along I was exhausted. I had a lovely dress and amazing necklace I bought at Harrods the day before, but I had to do so much on the day I was...
So it’s so lovely here in London. I am working hard gigging and getting ready for my big BAFTA party on Sunday night. As you all know by now John Smeaton is my guest. My dress is ready but I decided to pop into Harrods and buy a SPANKS tummy control body stocking….I heard they were good and I...
I met up with Ann Margaret my niece who is mother to the now famous baby Abi - (Abi features in my videos and my Scotsman newspaper column). Ann Margaret came into town with me to help choose a frock for my forthcoming red carpet BAFTA awards in London on Sunday. As you may know John Smeaton the...Muslim Woman: Religious Life May Be Divided Into Three Periods
Broadly speaking religious life may be divided into three periods. These may be described as the periods of ‘Faith’, ‘Thought’, and ‘Discovery.’ In the first period religious life appears as a form of discipline which the individual or a whole people must accept as an unconditional...
The Glasgow Stand was an awesome gig on Friday, the place was crowded and the audience were very appreciative. How nice to get such a reaction! It was great to gig in my own fair city; I am off to Leicester next weekend to work- back on the road. Saturday morning I was off to the beautiful wee...
To follow on from my last blog that I had so many comments about, so I thought I would add on. Here are some examples of what men must NOT do. Men must… Never buy Lavender talcum as a birthday present, and then after the screaming has finally abated produce ANOTHER...A Dark Realization (WARNING!: EXTREME DOSE OF REALITY)
Have you ever noticed that there isnt much difference between christian teens and secular teens? Like how they have the same sort of things in pop culture seculat teens would follow, Christian teens do the same. Take bands fo instance. Now I like music, but like how secular teens would follow...Adopting for Life
When it comes to adopting a child, there are some important things that you need to realize. First and foremost, adopting is for life. There is often a lot of talk about why someone wants to adopt a child. Couples might feel that they have always wanted to have a baby but haven't been able to....Karis Ferrari: Life Altering Principle - Change Your life
What if Hitler had never been born would the world be different today? What if Martin Luther King would have lived? And what if the events on 09/11/01 had never happened. How different would the world be today?You're probably thinking those are fairly significant events and you would be right....
How does the concept of life (right or wrong) change the perspective of human vision and define the direction of his activities, we need not to go anywhere far to understand it. Every one complains today that falsehood; deception, cunningness, betrayal, corruption, bribery, injustice, oppression,...
Hell) in the Quranic terminology. Life is like an ever...
It seems Middle England is under water this week. Huge floods have swept across most of Cheltenham, Gloucester and other places that sound like building society’s in the UK. Scotland seems to be fine so far and I am not sure if we are under threat but there is a reason they call us Lowlanders...
agree with me more. Life can be like that.
Islam is not a religion. It is a comprehensive system of life in which obedience is collectively carried on by means of the state enterprise. The Islamic State or System is responsible for implementing the commandments of Allah Almighty for making the people obey them. The Messenger peace be upon...Not completely dead.
It was not until the beginning of the year 2007 that I began to understand the blessing that God has given me in the location in which I live; I am, ofcourse, talking about the beach that lies to the west of my room, I measly 5 minutes away from my house. I find it hard to accurately describe the...
I am sleeping too much again. It all started with the bad headache but ended up with an askew sleep pattern. I need to get back on track with my productive life. I have been working…don’t get me wrong, I am half way through my article for next weeks Scotsman and am coming up with marketing...
As you all know I love my wee baby great Niece Abigail, she is only 3 years old, but funny as hell. I got her on video last night chatting about how her mouse died. Now it has been a source of mystery how wee ‘Squeaky’ died. Abi carried this wee grey mouse around for days and loved it then it...
Sorry I have been missing in action, I have been gigging in the hot sun of the UK. Things have been so hot here, I was off to seaside town of Southport in England the other day working and the place is LOVELY, so nice except the beach had miles upon miles of sand and the water is so far out, to...
So I want to turn your attention to this subject: "Loving Your Enemies." It’s so basic to me because it is a part of my basic philosophical and theological orientation—the whole idea of love, the whole philosophy of love. In the fifth chapter of the gospel as recorded by Saint Matthew, we read...
My weird mood has ceased to exist, but I think today, something happened. Moi, seriously one of the best bands ever, came all the way down here to play at my church. It was... stirring, amazing, inspirational? They just have something more, you know? Don't get me wrong, Moi has a beautiful...
I went to visit my great niece Abi; she is three and half years old now and is funnier by the minute. Abi has all the DNA of my performing gene and loves nothing better than getting on her wee ‘stage’ or footstool that she carries around and does a show for us. This particular show...
Glasgow is rainy and cold and my flip flops aren’t working well in the weather. Ashley was so happy to see us and looks great! She has a wonderful haircut and looks even more beautiful since we last saw her. Our flat has suspicious marks here and there, like in the toilet there is a...
Sorry I have been late with the blog again! I write a weekly column for the Scotsman and invariably it is a page and takes up heaps of my time. I worry that my blog is suffering although being a ‘proper journalist’ is a real job and being a blogger is just fun – I have a huge...
For my English class, my teacher has assigned a very interesting project. We are to make an Avant-Garde, or rather, a shocking piece of artwork that displays our personal views on the world today. While most of the class chose to create movies on the ridiculousness that is our government, I decided...
I really cannot believe she is that old and it makes me quite sentimental. Her dad and I spoke to her minutes after midnight as she is in Glasgow and we are still in London. I miss her and cried as I heard her voice and immediately imagined her as a wee three year old with bunches in her hair...
I am still in London; I was in Birmingham over the weekend doing Jongleurs. I left husband in the fancy apartment in Chelsea, there was no reason he should have to come up to Birmingham with me and Ashley is still in Glasgow. I really no longer know where home is. I miss my...
Am I the only person in the world who bought MBT trainers that hates them? MBT trainers are these weird curved sole shoes that apparently make you walk like a barefoot Masia Warrior. It is supposed to make you feel better and your legs get more exercise…I walk like a drunken heroin addicted...
“There is a Scottish pub in Fulham, lets go round and watch the Celtic match” Husband suggested as we walked through Chelsea in the sunshine. “I hate football pubs and hate anything Scottish in another country, it’s all too patriotic for me” I moaned. So we went there as my words...
London is cold and bright, I am tired and husband is so bloody efficient that I may enter him (not physically) but for Husband of the Week. He has packed, moved and organised our trip to London. We are down for three weeks and I have gigs all over the south of England. Mostly...
I feel like I owe a lot of people an apology... for being so consumed in letting the world shape who I am. For what it's worth... I'm sorry I haven't been me. I'm sorry I haven't been living up to my full potential. But most of all, I'm sorry for believing I was worth nothing. I'm sorry for...
She was only thirteen years old and the club was full of people waiting to see the UK’s youngest stand up comic. Oh by the way she didn’t actually die physically, it’s a comedy term for having a bad gig. Ashley had been doing stand up since she was 11 years old and was actually...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=99yfE32gTw8 I urgently incourage you all to watch this video. It is about the horrible suffering of thousands of children in Uganda. Each night, children from all over Uganda walk miles and miles and miles into the main city. They are greeted by unsanitary and...
My brother had a consultation today at the cancer clinic (he has cancer; we weren’t there for the social benefits). I love my brother but he is nuts…in a good way. “Janey I have a…” Mij broke off halfway through a sentence. The women near us looked up and...
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God....
I volunter every sunday morning at my church with the little kids(a program our church calls KidMo). I absolutely love it. I voluntered, thinking I was going to have the pleasure of teaching these crazy cool children of God, and found that I am the one being taught. It is...
“Auntie Janey, can you take me to the zoo so I can stroke a mermaid, coz I have never seen one yet” baby Abi pleads with big penny eyes as we did a jigsaw of a beautifully drawn mermaid. The stunning green shimmering tail enchanted wee Abi’s imagination and she traced her finger...
I want to be bigger then myself; self-less. I want to give all of myself; to know what it feels like to love with self-abandonment. Is it possible? No, but I will try. I want to see the beauty in everything. How curious it would be to be able to look at people with love like Christ....
This one is in Dunfermline though, which is the birth place of Andrew Carnegie, the wee town is awesome. The hall was amazing and the crowd were wonderful. Dunfermline is a pretty town and the architecture is stunning. Though I did come across and annoying bastard. I...
Standing in front of a huge bunch of 13 year old kids and a hall full of students was not the ideal location for my Monday afternoon. The McEwen Hall in Edinburgh played host to the election debate and I was the comedy warm up. I was slightly worried that my comedy would either go right...
Am just home from Dundee, it was amazing. Honestly so lovely and the people were nice. I was booked into a hotel called 25 in Dundee. It’s a boutique hotel and very much big upped itself on its webpage. Firstly there was NO wi-fi available and you have to check into the hotel through the bar at...
Monday morning I woke up and had to pack quickly for London. I had fallen asleep early the night before and never did my late night suitcase pack up which is my usual ritual. Husband drove me to airport and I was still groggy. I realised that day my first ever newspaper column went in...
Well my one woman show at the Garage was wonderful and thanks to everyone who came along. The room was great and the audience were really cool. I love being onstage and today I got my review in The Scotsman my favourite quote from that review said ‘Truly inspired’ how awesome? The...
The Scotsman Newspaper called me last week and offered me my own column. I am so excited and scared…what if I am a shit writer…I know this blog is popular but I might be crap. I went through to Edinburgh for the photo session as I needed a new picture for the head of the column. I was...
Husband and I went a walk down into Kelvingrove Park. There was a wee winding path that took us down to the river. As we approached the look out point there was this amazing noise, it was like a rustling and thundering running sound. I turned round and before my eyes about 46 squirrels were...
The eternal comedy question arises. When a woman walks on stage she knows that the majority of the audience are not convinced she is funny and has to hit them straight away with a joke to get them to relax and trust her, where as men are assumed funny the minute they walk on and hold a...
“Auntie Janey, I can see the moon and the sun….look” pointed baby Abi as I walked her home in the late afternoon light. “How can I see both?” she asked. “Well it’s because the time of year and the light I think, I am not very sure Abi am sure Ashley will know because she is...
Sitting in the calmness of a wee coffee shop sipping a latte is great for me, no smoking cravings or anything, just me some coffee and a garibaldi biscuit. That was until a glossy dark haired woman in a fancy leather jacket came over to me holding up a laminated card that said “I am from...
Last night I was dreaming that a huge tidal wave flooded my home and I was carried away on a giant gulf of water. The dream was so scary and I woke up terrified, then strangely when Ashley came into the living room she said “Mum I dreamt a Tsunami came and drowned us” that freaked me out, we...
I sat on the bumpy bus going to see my niece Ann Margaret today. Everything was fine, baby Abi was funny. She told me she killed her pet mouse because ‘She standed on it’ then she told me her hamster died because it ‘had a cold and embarrassment’ I knew that no rodent could die of shame,...Lean Life PM
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I have had a really sore tummy and slept last night with a hot water bottle. I woke up this morning and stood on the cold wobbly-ness of the water bottle that had fallen on the floor and screamed. I was half asleep and it felt like standing on a dead toddler’s cold belly beside my bed,...
You wake up and know you can do it Your body twitches but you stay strong Everything everyone says makes you grind your teeth You gnash your back teeth till they hurt Every cup of tea reminds you that something is missing You are missing a fag You sit down in the bar and you know you...
Sorry for being so damn crap at the blog lately. Just to keep you updated, I am in London. I flew here yesterday to do the radio thing. The radio thing happened this morning; it was BBC Radio 4 Fi Glover Saturday Morning live! The show is awesome but it did start at 9am, which meant I had to get...
I have realised that time is a currency and I have to spend mine wisely. I seem to spend half my time asleep, in a world of mismatched people and frightening faces that remind of a time that made my soul feel dark. Why do these dreams haunt me so much? I am spending too much...
I had a great time last night at East Kilbride Arts Centre, it was amazing. The show sold out! Loads of people who had come had already read my book and that totally stuns me that people are still reading my autobiography. I am very humbled. I started talking about my mum; those who know...
My baby niece is three years old and has a vivid imagination, in fact it scares me the stuff she says. Yesterday she told me this story…read on. Abi- “This story starts in a church; don’t worry as it’s a zombie church. There is me, Grandpa, two Meer cats and baby. The baby is dead....
My daughter Ashley and I were laughing as we were recalling the night in a hotel in Auckland where we were staying when I was touring there last year. We had a lovely hotel suite and one night about 3am the room next door had banging noises that soon woke us up and we immediately recognised the...
I love working away at the weekends, this weekend was Nottingham. The club is fabulous and the place is really cool. As usual the hotel had internet at £6000 a minute…ok that was an exaggeration, it was £15 but that is still extortion as far as I am concerned. The other downside of...
I have suddenly realised that being me is dull…so why write a blog then? I hear you ask…well sometimes exciting things happen. Like last weekend when I was in Groucho and the lovely sexy pop star Sophie Ellis-Bextor came over and told me she loved my comedy work. Her boy friend nodded in...
The Hackney Empire was full of crazy comics last night. The show was to pay tribute to the amazing Malcolm Hardee and loads of lovely comics turned up to do their stuff. I was there in attendance as hostess in the green room and I really dislike alcohol and people who drink alcohol! Not really...
Sorry I have been missing in action, been here in London and doing stuff! I am staying in a wonderful apartment over looking West London, but I do get lonely here at times and wander around room to room talking to myself! The people at Crown Lawn serviced apartments really look after me,...
Well as predicted in my blog two days ago, Jade Goody is reported in the press as being ‘suicidal’ I did say that her next step at attention and retribution would be her threatening an attempt on her life. The Scottish Sun screams the headline today January 22nd - ‘Jade on The...
I am now 46 years old as of yesterday. This means a host of things. 1- My womb will slowly fall apart and hormones will start to flood my system till I kill an owl or shag a teenage boy. 2- I will start to wear jumpers with shiny sequins and appliqué butterflies. 3- I...
The train journey up through those beautiful snow capped hills was awesome and Inverness is just beautiful. I was doing a one woman show at the Eden Theatre and I was really concerned that on that frozen rainy night - no one would turn up to hear a Scottish woman gab about her life! I was...
Ashley asked to me go shopping for some mayonnaise, so I pulled on a pair of bright green welly boots, dragged my bushy hair up into a tufty ponytail and scrubbed my blotchy face and got ready to go out into the rain. I topped the look off with a giant overly big snow boarding coat that is too...
Uplift of humanity can only be get through divine instructions but the choice has given to men where they can adopt the laws of Allah Almighty by their own will and then prove it with their actions. Divine guidance protects every single human beings interest. Because the creator is above then...
I woke up this morning like a cloven hooved monster. Bad dreams plague me and I am not Doris Day at the best of times, so you can imagine how I feel when I wake up groggy and husband asked me thirty three different questions in a row like... “Good morning do you want tea? Did you know you...
Ashley, husband and I were recalling the mental trip we took to LA, Las Vegas and San Diego. It was Christmas and New Year of 2001. We thought we would have loved to spend our holidays in the US, we flew first class over the Atlantic but then when we landed we quickly realised that living in...
My daughter Ashley is nearly 21 years old and still lives at home. She is at university and commutes regularly and hangs out with her mates at the weekend. Her room is a mish-mash of relics that chart her growth from the eight year old girl that moved in to the brand new flat we bought in 1995 to...
Last night the comedy gig in Leeds was awesome, it all went fabulously well. I came back to the hotel, got stripped and had a great shower, I haven’t been sleeping good, so I thought this would make me nice and sleepy and maybe I would get a full nights kip. I came out of the bathroom naked (as...
I was booked to do comedy at Leeds Jongleurs from Thursday to Saturday this weekend, the gig was booked in ages ago, and so I bought a cheap rail ticket for Thursday morning at 9am. I realised I hadn’t had a confirmation call from the comedy company, so I called them and thus ensued a mix up....
We had to drive through the horrific New Year storms to get to Edinburgh to perform at Jongleurs. New Years Eve is a strange thing in Scotland, we are World Famous for being ‘great’ at it…but in all honesty, we are just people who have parties in each others homes and can be very choosy...
There I was dragging my slightly sick ass into town to take back a gift that I bought husband. Ok…here’s the story…I bought him a fancy silver case that I thought contained a beard trimmer, what it actually contained was a hair dressing set. This I should have known because the cardboard...
We had the most wonderful Christmas lunch that my daughter cooked. She made this wonderful lamb joint with the crispiest roast potatoes, for dessert we had a homemade pannacotta with fresh berry compote! Where did she learn to make that? I was impressed. The downside is, I haven’t been feeling...
My wee three year old great- niece Abi went along to watch her big brother Shaun at his school Nativity. Her mum is my niece Ann. Ann has three kids, Shaun, Abi and Julia. She recently got married to the father of Julia but has two different fathers to Shaun and Abi. Her husband is a wonderful...
I had to go through to Falkirk yesterday to catch up with my lovely brother who not only has HIV, he now has cancer but is fighting it well. Mij has had various drug issues in his past and this combined with the HIV and cancer would make many a man crumble…NOT my crazy brother he is just so...
I met up with an old pal called Big Betty. I knew her from my pub days and she is a right funny character. She asked me all about my work in comedy and loved chatting about my autobiography as she recalled all the incidents in my past. I decided to open up my laptop and show her some of my...
I had a great night in London at the Crown Lawn party; I was so excited to go to a Christmas Lunch with the lovely Angela and her friends. Angela’s business is property and you have no idea how much I appreciate the accommodation she provides me for me in London…..I kid you not Madonna and...
Singing is something I am not very good at it, I cant really sing very well but am giving it my best shot for BBC Children in Need slot. I bought a lovely wee kilt and smart jumper to wear. Craig Hill is my beautiful singing partner and BOY can he sing he is just bloody amazing! So Craig and I...Religious Pastor's Upside Down Inside Out Activities
ousted as senior pastor of the New Life Church for his...
All I see is a lot of word games from the Democrats. Tis the Season to be politically correct, sad way to gain additional seats in the house come this November. The only way to reduce abortions is to not allow them to be legal. "Prevention" is the new Democratic Party word of...
I have no idea which Fringe day it is, but so far I have done about 68 shows…I am not sure exactly but for sure 60 performances of my own three shows daily SO FAR! I have a nasty lump boil on my cheek that started as an insect bite, it has now developed into a hard lump and I ended up vomiting...
Well I did try, she is 20 years of age and I was married at her age. Ok …here is the story; she met a comic in NZ called Cori. He is relatively new-ish and we both supported him when we were over there, giving him any advice about the UK we could, Ashley even filmed his show for...
I have now had too many late nights! I am loving it but incredibly tired and excited. Though I haven’t yet lost my hatred of that noisy fucking ‘tard’ that dresses up every night and takes tourists on the ghost tour outside my window here in Edinburgh. I nearly pissed myself last...
Enigma ensnares the human all his Life and they convincingly...Talking Dirty Contd
I often like to ‘talk dirty’ during sex. It depends on the mood. I wouldn’t use pornographic language during gentle love-making. It’s strange because I would never use a word like ‘fuck’ in everyday speech - I never use it as a curse word. But when I’m talking about sex I guess I use...
After the longest journey in history I am finally sitting at my home pc! We left Auckland on Wednesday the 8th and due to passing through the International Dateline (I never even got a date!) we went a day back in time! The flights included babies that screamed like a referee’s whistle and kept...
NEW ORLEANS Governor Kathleen Blanco may have been all wet when Katrina devastated her State, but she appears to be back on legislative track when it pertains to signing a near-total ban on abortion, that does not include exceptions for victims of rape and incest. ...
Permanent values pertain to human as distinct from animal level of life. The Quranic term for the animal level of life is Hayat-ud-dunya (The word dunya means nearer) or a level of life in which man’s vision is restricted to immediate gains. Satisfaction of physical urges is...
It was the last night of the New Zealand Oddfellow’s International Comedy Festival, my shows had sold out here in Auckland and in Wellington, so I was so very pleased and I thought things could not get better, until the Comedy Festival Awards night. Ashley and I were there to support all the...
It is Saturday night here, I am about to go do my very last show at Silo Theatre. I have loved that theatre; the people are so cool and helpful. Ashley has been having the most fun a girl can have on tour with her mother! With a few exceptions of privacy issue’s….we really do need a big...
It is Saturday night here, I am about to go do my very last show at Silo Theatre. I have loved that theatre; the people are so cool and helpful. Ashley has been having the most fun a girl can have on tour with her mother! With a few exceptions of privacy issue’s….we really do need a big...
It is Saturday night here, I am about to go do my very last show at Silo Theatre. I have loved that theatre; the people are so cool and helpful. Ashley has been having the most fun a girl can have on tour with her mother! With a few exceptions of privacy issue’s….we really do need a big...
I have been over-worked, over excited and over here in NZ for too long and the net was down for a while…sorry I am late but I have an excuse! The comedy shows have been going great guns at Silo, selling out well and I am so very pleased with that, as you can imagine. Auckland is sunny again and...
Well the flight into Auckland was not as troublesome and fairly easier, bearing in mind Auckland has an International Runway unlike Wellington! Ashley and I are back in the Hotel in Auckland, where we started the tour and it’s great. Feels like home-except home is Scotland! I had a great gig at...
Well that was fun, I loved Wellington. We were there for two whole weeks; sorry the blog was late but having a migraine was a bastard to deal with. My season at Downstage was amazing, I got really good ticket sales –great reviews and made good friends with Tibald the theatre cat, I am...
I have now had a headache for 27 hours, I was panicking last night as the show was booked out good and my head is pounding like a big nail has been hammered into the side of my head. I managed to go on stage and have a really cool gig, but I am scared inside as even when I sleep this fucking pain...
Yes, it did and I am so chuffed it went great, I had a really full house and loads of people laughed in all the right places. I was so nervous at first, but I did it and Ashley taped it for me. A guy actually asked me to do a ‘tumble’ on stage and I did! I forgot I had a hairclip in and that...
I woke up this morning and I have two big insect bites on my ankles, yes! Some nasty wee fucking bitey things had a feast on my ankle, I have two huge lumps that have the tiny wee pin head red entry zone clearly marked….yuk some horrible thing was sucking on me! My husband has this strange...
I do feel a whole lot better, those period pains nearly killed me, but I managed to get showered and got out of the hotel. Ashley and I went down to the harbour in Wellington, the sun shone though it was still crisp outside. We saw a great Maori busker and he let me join in singing and dancing and...
Well I am not hitting anymore disabled pervy people. I feel I have been there and done that! I did a gig last night at Indigo Bar, Ashley came along and filmed the gig, and she and I had a good time chatting to the other comics. They really are a nice bunch. We went for a late night drink with Dai...
5am Wellington NZ, am sitting quietly on the sofa, am still waking up too early but coping with it. Ashley and I have a national TV breakfast show to appear on in less than five hours and I was pondering. I felt a small quiver through the floor that went into a small but intense shudder, the TV...
Scientifically the knowledge of the Divine Laws relating to the external universe is derived from a close observation of nature,scientific experiments and discoveries, but not so in the case of laws relating to human life and the regulation of its conduct which are communicated only through...Life or Death
Blog written by Pastor Charlie of Four Soils Ministry God says ""Today I am giving you the choice between a blessing and a curse!You will be blessed if you obey the commands of the LORD your God that I am giving you today.You will receive a curse if you reject the commands of the LORD your God and...
My daughter Ashley woke up, and told me she was filming today for her University project. Then she got upset as the guy who was playing a transvestite in her video called off. She was making a MOCK-documentary about how people do stuff to get into TV. She was filming this guy who was supposed to be...
The laws of nature and the revealed values both work in the same manner. The laws of nature, like lasting principles, are firm and unchangeable. Human ingenuity, in the light of these laws derives new theories, makes new revelations and goes on making inventions of different kinds. Likewise, in a...
The Israelites were ordained that if they killed a single person unjustly, it would be taken as if they had destroyed the whole of mankind and if they saved a single person's life, it would be as if they had saved the whole of mankind. This verse is very important in chapter 5 verse 32 Of ...A Little about me!
Hi my name is Jami I am 23 yr old divorced stay at home mom from Texas. I have two beautiful daughters, Sierra Danielle who is 7 and Shyanne Cecelia who is 3. I am currently living back home with My parents (aaaaahhhh) until I get get life back to semi-normal. My divorce came as no...